About me

Since leaving school, those of you who may know me will be shocked to find I've become quite a dynamic figure, often seen body surfing and ripping telephone directories. I have been known to remodel bus stops on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.

To keep fit I tread water for three days in a row, and can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed. I am an expert in Yoga, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru, but most impressive of all, I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.
Using only a matchstick and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.

If I entered, I would be 'The Apprentice!!'.

Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.
I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Last summer, I toured Teesside with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration...it was not well received.
I once read Harry Potter, Pride and Prejudice and the Bible in one morning, and had time to refurbish my dining room that evening.

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in the nude. While holidaying in Malia, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small ice-cream stand … everyone lived to tell the tale … I was also marooned on some rocks.

On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli, a toaster oven and some sticky back plastic.

Oh yes, and I've spoken with Elvis ..... twice.

Apart from that Wayne Griffiths is still a fairly normal guy.